Translating Conservative Talking Points

I hope you will find this satirical list amusing – but disturbingly real.

“If you tell a lie long enough, it becomes the truth.” Nazi Propaganda Minister Joseph Goebbels

Liberal lies: Facts that conservatives don’t want to believe, or are incapable of believing

Alternative facts: Lies told by conservatives to defend their irrational political opinions

Clean coal: There’s no such thing, but we’re willing to spend millions to convince you there is so we can keep burning coal

The Deep State: Federal employees that insist on following the existing laws instead of bowing to right-wing political pressure

Energy you can depend on: Energy produced by burning fossil fuels

I’m against socialism: I don’t really know what it is, but government subsidies should only go to the programs and companies that I like

Our public lands shouldn’t be locked up: Commercial exploitation by private enterprise is the best use of our public lands

Evolution is just a theory: The Bible is the verbatim word of God

Pollution controls are too costly: Polluters shouldn’t have to include all the costs of pollution in the retail prices of their products

God put natural resources on Earth for us to use them: Greed is morally good

The tax system penalizes successful people: I’ve made my money, so screw the rest of you

Class warfare: When the middle class complains they’re getting screwed by the wealthy class

Environmental regulations should be enforced in a balanced manner: They shouldn’t be enforced if they cost anybody money

Campaign contribution limits are a violation of free speech rights: Large corporations should be allowed to buy elections, especially since they’re big campaign contributors

America is Judeo-Christian nation: All other religions are un-American

Federal command and control: The Feds won’t let the states do whatever they want with the money they give them

Traditional America is dying: The President should be a white man

Pro-life: Women shouldn’t be allowed to make decisions about their own bodies

Public employee militancy: When public employees, such as teachers, decide they’re not going to let themselves be treated unfairly anymore

School choice: I want the taxpayers to help me pay to send my kid to a private religious school

Identity politics: When oppressed minorities have the gall to get politically organized to fight for their rights

Require the best available science: Perpetually litigate the government’s regulatory process in order to paralyze it

Marriage is between a man and a woman: Homosexuality is an abomination against mankind

Racial unrest: When black people have the gall to complain about the police treating them unfairly

Global warming is a hoax: I don’t understand natural science, and don’t think I need to

Economic freedom: Being able to conduct business in a manner that hurts people or damages the environment without the fear of being held accountable

Religious freedom: Traditional Christian religious beliefs are more important than protecting everybody’s civil rights

We must secure the borders: We’ve got too many Mexicans in this country already

Police are just enforcing the law: So what if police pick on minorities, they’re the ones that commit the most crimes

We should return to the gold standard: I don’t understand what money is

We must drastically cut federal spending: But only the programs I don’t like

Private property rights: I should be able to do whatever I want with my property, even if it harms my neighbor’s

America is a melting pot, not a salad bowl: I don’t like people who are different from me

No spin: All opinions other than conservative ones are inherently biased

States rights: The Civil War wasn’t really fought over the practice of slavery

Judicial activism: When judges enforce laws I don’t like

Political correctness: Preventing me from saying cruel things to people whenever I want

Liberal indoctrination: When college classes are based upon facts and science

We shouldn’t pick economic winners and losers: The government should protect existing business interests

Protect the integrity of the voting process: Make it as difficult as possible for minorities to vote

Teachers unions are too strong: They won’t allow the teaching of biblical creationism in science classes

Fake news: Any factual information distributed by the media that undercuts conservative beliefs or political objectives

Stop chain migration: Split up immigrant families, separate immigrant children from their parents

Save Social Security & Medicare: Cut the benefits enough to avoid any potential tax increases

Entitlements: Demonize Social Security & Medicare by implying that they are welfare programs

Gun control: Any limitations on gun ownership, including common sense public safety measures

Obamacare: Legislated expansion of health insurance coverage that’s inherently bad because it was promoted by President Barak Obama

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