Dolphin Warfare Might Be Imminent

militarized dolphin
Militarized dolphin (Wikipedia)

According to a recent article in the Russian newspaper Izvestia, the U.S. Navy will deploy its militarized dolphins in the international waters of the Black Sea this summer, where they might confront Russian militarized dolphins based in Crimea. Izvestia said it obtained this information from U.S. But Navy spokesman Tom LaPuzza, said the Navy has not been associated with a marine mammal program for years.

I have obtained secret information, however, from a confidential informant (codename “Flipper”) that the Navy’s militarized dolphins will indeed be sent to the Black Sea this summer. The dolphins, which are based in San Diego, will travel there on ships in special baths designed for their comfort. Along the way they will be treated to all-you-can-eat buffets and live entertainment – including The Little Mermaid musical featuring the original Broadway cast.

Russian Dolphins May Be a Threat to U.S.

After reaching the Black Sea the dolphins will be deployed to test their ability to disorient Russian underwater sonar. They have been trained to emit farts that perfectly mimic the sounds of Russian dolphin farts, thereby sowing confusion. (I wasn’t provided with any information about how the sounds of Russian dolphin farts were acquired by the Navy, but I was told it was a very dangerous operation because all Russian farts are lethal.)

The Navy’s dolphins will wear new body armor to protect them from the Russian dolphins or any other attackers. The outfits were designed by popular American clothing maker UnderArmour, and the company is calling the dolphin armor UnderWaterArmour.

The Navy will also be trying to get some of the Russian dolphins to defect. They’re taking along some cute, pink female river dolphins from the Amazon River to try and seduce the male Russian dolphins. This strategy is expected to be a success because female Russian dolphins aren’t very attractive. But in case the Russian dolphins don’t go for the pink dolphins, the Navy is also bringing some female Beluga white whales.

Updates

On April 26, 2019, Norwegian fishermen reported they were being harassed by a beluga whale wearing a strange harness. They said it  may have been trained by Russia’s military.

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